Inner Peace vs. Chicks on the Beach
A tale of two mismatched meditations
Two very different meditation experiences—one from a Yogi, one from a yahoo—took me to two disparate, nutty inner states.
Yesterday, a Yogi came to our health centre, and our small group was captivated. He was anything but woo-woo—we shot the shit about life for a while—then he led us through transcendental practices that were novel and inspired (at least for this guy).
Kundalini meditation rituals like Left-Nostril Breathing, awakening pathways of breath and vibrations, and imaginative movements of the body—all released untapped parts of myself.
Then, there was the practice of Kirtan Kriya, a 12-minute hand ritual of singing and whispering the same syllables with finger movements:
The repetition of finger rotations brought me to a remarkably focused place. However, after about the 7th minute I pivoted to the memory of my very first group meditation, ten years back. And I started to giggle, interrupting the group’s meditative state:
Deep Thoughts For Dudes
A decade ago, I found myself in a ‘treatment centre’ that wasn’t a good fit. A lot of guys straight out of the clink, gang wannabes, manipulators. The kind of place with no counsellors; if a guy had one year clean, he’d get a Staff T-Shirt. That kind of place.
One morning, staff member Eddie decided to have us practice meditation for the first time, and had all 30 of us lie down on the hard floor, most of the guys groaning for a smoke outside instead.
We closed our eyes, and Eddie walked over and around our bodies, guiding us though his improvised relaxation images. And it went something like this (*the profanity was real):
“OK. Picture a fucking ocean, guys. Like a fucking awesome ocean. Feel it? And maybe you see a chick in the distance. She’s stacked too. And she’s coming toward you. You’re relaxed. The fucking ocean is now packed with chicks everywhere and you’re just stoked and in a good meditative place now…”
I was a meditation rookie…but somehow I knew this wasn’t concrete contemplation.
If you were to put Eddie and Yogi Jas together trading advice, it would sound like this:
YOGI: “Picture soft soil surrounding your seated body and let it sprout beautiful greens to nourish you.”
EDDIE: “Imagine driving a Maserati.”
YOGI: “If breath enters your body with love, you with exhale love back to the world.”
EDDIE: “Let’s take 10 minutes for a vape break.”
Our Yogi session yesterday concluded with a relaxation exercise where we reclined in low chairs. The Yogi then wrapped us in warm fuzzy blankets to cocoon ourselves in peaceful thoughts for 15 minutes.
It was like nothing I’ve experienced before. A lulling, dreamy comforter to focus my mind and body. And I was surrounded by the other group members, respiring slow, pure, untroubled breaths.
I drifted off a bit. Then serene thoughts came from somewhere inside that soft blanket.
And I thought of an ocean. Just a good, clean ocean.
I’m more of a beach guy.
...that was funny...