Dispatches From Treatment #4: Rehab Recipes from the Condiment Bar

A food-hack guide to enhance your recovery eating experience

You see sauces. I see a palette of paints for culinary art. Photo: Delishably

In our treatment centre we eat very well.

The menus are carefully curated for maximum nutrition needed for recovery and the topmost taste one would expect for the price tag here. I knew I was in a special place when I heard a senior peer complain in the lunch lineup: “prawn and scallop chowder…again?!” And that was just the side.

The kitchen team works tirelessly to feed us all we require, and more. Seconds and thirds are not discouraged here. When I recently took my 1-month token in a group celebration, I was 30 days sober and 10 pounds tubbier. Both God’s will.

Even after our 5 p.m. dinnertime—the eating hour favoured only by the elderly—we are never lacking for snacks. Breads for toasting, fruit, popcorn packs, alt-milks, teas, and instant oatmeal pouches are available all night for the sleepless and the munchy. Still, alcoholics and addicts are notoriously creative when it comes to manipulating existing situations in the quest for more more more.

Our late-night concoctions usually involve coconut milk, something I plan to buy regularly on the outside. It’s meant as an alternative to lactose milk and coffee creamer, but for us, coconut milk is a secret weapon in our snacking journey. Add it to cereal, bananas, and peanut butter with a dusting of hot chocolate powder and bam!—you’ve got yourself a bedtime bowl of tropical delights. Combine coconut milk with orange juice and crushed ice, garnish it with an orange slice and that’s a creamsicle-in-a-cup. And guys, it’s glorious.

When—let’s call him Scotty here…no, better we use Marty…shit, I blew it…I’ll name him Donny for anonymity— came in to treatment, our after-hour creations became mere child’s play.

Photo: Kraft Canada

Donny is an alchemist. A condiment culinary genius. He puts the ‘treat’ in treatment and makes magic with just a stir-stick and sugar pack. Last week, I watched him thinly slice pears and apples with a butter knife, marinate them in orange juice, combine coffee cream and strawberry jam packets with honey-kissed instant oats, top it all with raw sugar browned in the microwave…and make the best damn cobbler I’ve eaten in years.

I’ve compiled about 20 of Donny’s recipes so far, many of which I will keep safeguarded. He has, however, allowed me to share three of his favourites for the first time. When you find yourself in treatment (and, oh, you will), these tools will be your ticket to popularity and help pave your road to recovery.

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Cravings For Caramel Corn

In a plastic cup meant for juice, add a little water to 6 packs raw sugar. Microwave till scalding hot, then whip vigorously with a fork, adjusting the sugar and water until a liquid caramel forms. Microwave a popcorn pack for 2 1/2 minutes. Add caramel mixture along with 3 butter packets to popcorn, reseal bag, and shake until popcorn is covered. Serves: 1

Sober & Spicy Thai Peanut Sauce

In a small green plastic saucer meant for desserts, combine 1 pack peanut butter, 1 shot soy sauce, 1 shot honey, 1 shot coconut milk, and a generous sprinkle of chili flakes. Mix well with wooden coffee stir-stick. Pour over chicken on chicken night. Serves: 1

12-Step Peanut Butter Fudge

1. Pour 10 packets of raw sugar in green plastic bowl meant for soup

2. Add 1-2 shots of water

3. Microwave until scalding hot

4. Work mixture with metal fork until caramel forms (about 3-4 minutes)

5. Admit we are powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable

6. Add 3 packs peanut butter and mix thoroughly

7. Thoroughly make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves

8. Add 4 packets whipped butter, combine

9. Slowly add 3 coffee creams and continue mixing

10. Make amends to those we have harmed

11. Continue to mix, adjusting ingredients, until a thick fudge develops

12. Keep hidden in common milk fridge behind the large yogurt tub to set, checking every time you get a coffee between therapy and lectures to make sure the staff doesn’t confiscate it, then remove during the busy lunch changeover, and quickly enjoy in a corner outside camera range then admit your wrongs and forever practice vigorous honesty right after. Serves: 1